Thinking.....

This one song means so much to me...well in know it's just a spring hazebut i don't much like the look of itand if omens are a god send like menbreezing incertain these clouds go somewherebillowing out to somewherein a single engine cessnayou say we'll never make it thereso all we do is circle ituh oh. let go. off on my wayunseen this eternal wantinguh oh. way to goso i get creamedwaiting on Sunday to drownuhoh. way to go.waiting on Sundaywaiting on Sunday to landuhoh. way to go.waiting on Sundaywaiting on Sunday to drownso i know it's just a spring hazebut i don't much like the look of itbut all we do is circle itand i found out where my edge isand it bleeds into where you resistand my only way out is to goso far inbillowing out to somewherebillowing out luna rivierabillowing out to somewhereuhoh. let go. off on my wayunseen this eternal wantinglet go. so far. really getting creamedwaiting on Sunday to landwaiting on Sunday to drownwhy does it always end up like thiswaiting on Sunday so i get creamedwaiting for Sunday to drown-Spring Haze-Tori AmosAlright, that aside...I don't really know what to feel right now, it's weird. You know the moment when you finally see someone for what they are? Well it happened to me this lovely Thanksgiving. It hasn't been 2 years since the big "explosion". Yet now it's happening again, but it seems this time it's ok. Ironic. I'm in awe that people don't realize their own actions. I'm in awe that what someone took great offense in not so long ago, becomes what they are. I'm in utter amazement that people can be that oblivious to their own lives...How can you live under guaze all the time? How can you believe yourself exempt from the burdens that you made me bare lil over a year ago?? Yep. You guessed it. The Golden Child strikes once again. After the NJ incident, I would think that there would be a line that had been drawn, it has taken me this long to even view her as slightly respectable, and not even that much so. Everything she ratted me out on...EVERYTHING, she in turn is now partaking in it. Now I could be her in this situation, I could totally snitch, but then what does that make me..That makes me the evil bitch I viewed her to be, that lowers me to a level I know I couldnt' stand myself for being on. I refuse to be her, I refuse to bow down to her..But then I stop and think, omg, how can I let her float on in life with everyone still believing she's the well behaved, intelligent one? How can I knowing what she's done to my family's view of me, go unscarred? This sucks. I'm not gonna cheese out and rat her out..that's not my style..but what I wouldn't give to see her get hers...I realize that sounds spiteful/nasty/vengeful..but really if you guys understood the hell that I went through with all this crap, I know you'd understand.Ahh well we'll see. So why does this song make me think so much..just lyrically, it's exactly what I'm goin through right now..not with the GoldenChild..but with "other" stuff hehe Oh well We'll see what goes down...

Aggravation...

Ok so I really shouldn't be aggravated at this point..it's 30 mins before the big "night" hehe Incubus Taproot, Deftones and my buds...yet I'm so PISSED OFF!!! This better wear off prior to approaching the Tsongas Arena. So yesterday was the start of this pisser of a day, Marc backed out of the show..and didn't even call to cancel..no he cheesed out online..Man that aggravates me, he's all oh, well I figured you're always on..well apparently NOT since you couldn't get in touch with me. yes as hard as it is to believe I do have a life, and have been goin out every night since I started my vacation..grr. SO alright I found someone online to buy that ticket which kicked copious amounts of ass, however...I can;'t get in touch with Tracy...errr So she calls today from work mind you (workin 1-9) and tells me oh I'll just leave work early if you can't find someone else...This total high school bullshit of Well if he goes I am not going..err It's actually quite a good thing that she's not going, after the whole NJ experience...Even my mom was like Well just don't smoke weed in front of her! haha WoW. So now I wanted Steve to go , so screw that finding someone for his ticket, I instead found someone for her ticket...is that so wrong of me? Nah. I didn't think so =) So now I'm just waiting for Pat to come pick me up..da da da Don't know what to do with my time now..I'm dying here Ahh well I'll go check the boards and mail then...gah. LoL So wish me fun peeps.Peace->Sirk

Expectations..

I'm tryin to make them few and far between for this upcoming week. I'm trying to not set myself up for a fall..I'm trying.So I'm not thinking about it, I'm trying not to think about him actually. I can't possibly do that without building up some sort of expectation. How unfair it would be of me to do that to him, he knows not what he means to me, he couldn't possibly know. For I have never told him, nor will I ever be the first to speak of these feelings if the occasion were to present itself. I can't. I really truly just can't. How sickening, I'm not one that settles to the bottom and just hovers in one spot, in every other life venture, I'm the first to put myself out there..the first to jump to the challenge..then when it comes to games of the heart, I shrink back into my shell. I've come so far from where I was, I've won so many battles with my inner demons, yet still can't bring myself to vocalize the words that bubble just below the surface of my being all the time. Obsessed..perhaps, but in the most healthy way possible. I know my limitations, I know I would never go off the deep end..I'm just not like that. Takes alot for me to show that much emotion..to anyone, not just him.Hell I can't even have normal mother/father/brother daughter/sister conversations..how would i even prepare myself for this type of "confrontation" I know this is yet another demon waiting to be slayed..but this one is a higher hurdle than all the rest..I don't know if I can quite catch enough air on this one. Hard when you're raised up one particular way, and are brought up believing emotions are bad..and making them be known..ten fold. Shitty that I can't bring these things up with anyone whilst in conversation, it has to be in the seclusion of my journal...this one and written. But back to the point of this damned entry.......him. Gah! All someone has to do is bring him up, and there I go. I'll be doing so well to, still I'm not consumed by him, my thoughts aren't all based and run by him in mind. So that's good right? Then the ever more predominant dilemna here is this..I'm the type of person that can only handle one major thing at a time or deal with the consequence..which is total mental/emotional shutdown..which i know i'm kinda teetering upon all the time as of late..why? well i know why, so we don't have to discuss that.Ahh well. All actions have a reaction, so the things that have happened between us, they have no choice but to get me to feel this way. I mean..they aren't just normal everyday "friendly" type things ya know? I know the things I say have an effect on him, and vice versa. We hold a position in each others eyes that is hard to explain and hard to really see clearly. It's jaded beyond belief, and for that we can't see things as they are..and it sucks.

"It's been a long time..."

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated, therefore you are all getting an update. Nothing really exciting, however, I am in better spirits finally. =) YaY. I apologize for the immense shittiness of my most recent posts, it was just a bad week. So I actually spent some time with an old friend, when I say old, I'm talkin we go back 16 years type of old friend. Alot of things have come between us, mainly time and just difference in personalities and age. She's 19 goin on 20 (or 100 if you could only see her life :() and me being 21, we weren't together throughout school, so we kinda broke away, not to mention I was closer while growin up with her sister who just so happens to be my age. Ok so on to the point of this..at 17 "A" had a baby, I was the only one she told that she was even pregnant, so it was I who had to coax her into telling her family and ex bf. That was a feat in itself. So while i was a senior and she was a freshman in high school, she has told me, that was the best time for her..:( I found this really difficult to handle..To me it was nothing more than a normal routine, but to her, to just hang out with all of us, she said for the first time ever, she felt accepted, she felt loved...then she has the baby..and I have this horrible gut feelin it had to do with she wanted someone that she believed woudl always love her. I love her and the baby to death but it makes me so sad...what if I had kept in touch? What if I had dragged her out more often? She's not very social, no, but she never said no to hangin with me and "my boys".So let's fast foward again to the present...I left her house near tears. I had only spent 4 hours of my day there with her and the baby, by the end of that 4 hour stint I was beat, tired, and cranky. Just knowing that we couldn't just pick up and go out, knowing that we couldn't crank the radio and just have a sweet ol time...Just having to watch the baby 24-7..I know that makes me come off cold..But I'm not..I just know for myself that I'm really not ready to be a mother and this just justifies it. But then the thing that really saddened me, and made me view my life in a whole different light, made me forget my unhappiness, was seeing the dispair, the sadness in "A"'s eyes...All the concerns she voiced..."What if this is it?" "What if no one else ever loves me cuz they can't except the baby?" "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" all these things..weighty topics that she's going through...I mean I'm not pacifiying the fact that she should have been more careful, but what's done is done and you can not take it back..and I have overflowing respect that 1. she kept the baby and 2. that she has been one of the best mothers i've seen..she teaches her, she guides her, she does the most amazing things for her, even tho she can't do anything for herself..she's so depressed..but has this one light ..her lil angel. I've seen many mothers, (other friends of mine in fact) who are now not with the fathers of their baby and now just kinda pawn the child off on anyone willing to babysit..and i feel that's in a way abandonment no? But "A" takes it to the next extreme...she won't leave the baby with anyone..she says she doesn't "trust" them...eeeek that's not good either huh? But it's not like an unhealthy thing, she really has lil to nothing goin on in her life besides her child...Anyway, this made me open my eyes to a life outside my realm..Mine is by far not as sad or bad as some...In fact some would go as far to say it's better..I have no attachments, I can up and go at any time, I have my close circle of friends, and my attachment friends (lol), still can't help but get down every once in awhile but I think that's to be expected no? The fact remains..I live my life for no one else..and that's all that I can handle at this point..I'm going through too many emotions all the time, I'm going through so many outlets and still finding my true place here on this lovely green planet, So i thank my parents and my closer friends for keeping me here, keeping my mindset where it ought to be..keeping me grounded as a person..never lettin me get too high never lettin me get too low...=) Guess I'll remain happy now, sad I had to find it this way through the pain of another..but knowing it, I can be a better friend to her now, I'm gonna try my hardest to make every attempt to keep in touch better, (and those of you who know me off of here..know how bad I am at that..hehe I sorry!) but yeah this is for now my plan.

Past Full

I've had it..quite honestly just had it. I'm sick of it, really. This pettiness, this self centered shit. All this crap that's banged upon my head, it gets really tiring, it gets really annoying and it suffocates me. I'm drowning in it. Yet it's all around me, I can't even wade through it all. People are so ......I can't even place a word here to measure the magnitude of what I'm feeling. People...they are the most fucked up creatures in this world. They hurt others and then expect to be comforted. They have no time to lend to others, conversations consistently end upon "how are you". I've said it before and I'll continue on saying it cuz now i'm really pissed off.. What about me? What about what I'm goin through? what about my pain, sadness, anger, hostility, etc etc...Goin on into infinity and beyond. I'm like this person..a person who is not "allowed" to have a bad time, I'm supposed to fix them all, I'm supposed to have all the answers, I'm supposed to be the buffer between all that is good and bad for all..well you know what? FUCK YOU Fuck all of it, Yeah I'm angry..yeah i'm pissed...If you didn't really care, ya shouldn't have fronted on me, this idea that you did, didn't just pop into my head magically, i'm a hard ass, i confront everything, yet can't confront you face to face...have to do it in the safety of livejournal...Errrrr I'm so pissed at everything at the moment, and if i felt secure, and if i felt that i made a "dent" it's all been washed away..Swiped away violently if nothing at all...So now what? Where to go from here...go on? continue? fix it? i think not..it's been done..it's been over..this was a long time in coming..."I'm flying so over it"-Tanya Donnelly.

Withheld to Protect the Innocent....

I'm sure no one is gonna understand this but me..but that's ok. I feel summed upmy whole life is a jokeall promises I made to myselfhave been brokeI'm so full of painso full of worryI feel full of failureand for this I am sorryI had a light that shined so brightthat has been dimmed and replaced with frightfear of what's to comefear of what I've doneNeverending, stationary herethis is the cross I shall barenot breaking downbut silently eroding stillNothing can stop itnot till it's fullCan't see what's behindCan't see up aheadNothing to the right,and to the left, deep dreadYes this is wrongYes this is saddeningNo I can't stop itAnd this is quite maddeningIt's happened beforeit's coming againwho will be therewho's got an extra hand to lendI'm not ready to gobut ready to endIt's a thin line that I walkAll I needed was a friendTo stop the blowsTo stop the hurtI've sunken my hopesfar into the dirtWill you be thereWill you not goI sit, I think, I sinkthe answers not knownI need something Yet can't think what it isDo you have that somethingto remedy this?Please someone let it be heardplease help fix meMy sight is jaded and I can't see clearlyBut you have the flashlight that cuts through this smogIt's you that I'll count onto end my fog.So this be my messageI hope you hear it in timeThat way you can help mebefore i go out of my mind....

That Damned Fog Again....

There's this blanket of fog that seems to just kinda envelope me at all times...it's so heavy it makes me forget what makes me happy, forget what makes me smile, forget what i find good and fun...and it sucks..and it seems to be ever more predominant as of late. With really no actual reasoning behind it, I mean things are goin pretty damned good. My friends rock (well for the most part), work's goin good (got a raise to boot), famfam is cool, online shiz is ok...So i don't really understand it. Some of it i know it just unresolved things, but some of it ...some of it is just things that were left to build up and up and they are now kickin my ass. It's weird..it all happens in cycles. There's time when all i wanna do is be at home and chillin out, then there's times when i just wanna be out surrounded by the ppl i feel the most comfy with (my friends)..then there's those times when i actually just wanna be at work..Sick i know..but it's like i'm 1 hour away from everything...in a sense it's an escape almost. But then on other days it's like a prison..So let's see I'm gettin ever so excited bout the show, should be damned fun, what's better me, my boys, and incubus...maybe if tori and guster were on the bill..heheh holy shit i wouldnt' be able to walk....Finally caught up on my bills...............just in time for the next slew..damn. Ain't that a son of a biatch, not to mention all the old ones were late, I make enough money....i just don't know how to manage it i guess, i'm not broke..i just don't go to the bank hehe. ahh well i'll figure something out i always do.:(I don't know..just wanted to vent me guesses. Sorry for those who had to read it LoL

That Damned Fog Again....

There's this blanket of fog that seems to just kinda envelope me at all times...it's so heavy it makes me forget what makes me happy, forget what makes me smile, forget what i find good and fun...and it sucks..and it seems to be ever more predominant as of late. With really no actual reasoning behind it, I mean things are goin pretty damned good. My friends rock (well for the most part), work's goin good (got a raise to boot), famfam is cool, online shiz is ok...So i don't really understand it. Some of it i know it just unresolved things, but some of it ...some of it is just things that were left to build up and up and they are now kickin my ass. It's weird..it all happens in cycles. There's time when all i wanna do is be at home and chillin out, then there's times when i just wanna be out surrounded by the ppl i feel the most comfy with (my friends)..then there's those times when i actually just wanna be at work..Sick i know..but it's like i'm 1 hour away from everything...in a sense it's an escape almost. But then on other days it's like a prison..So let's see I'm gettin ever so excited bout the show, should be damned fun, what's better me, my boys, and incubus...maybe if tori and guster were on the bill..heheh holy shit i wouldnt' be able to walk....Finally caught up on my bills...............just in time for the next slew..damn. Ain't that a son of a biatch, not to mention all the old ones were late, I make enough money....i just don't know how to manage it i guess, i'm not broke..i just don't go to the bank hehe. ahh well i'll figure something out i always do.:(I don't know..just wanted to vent me guesses. Sorry for those who had to read it LoL

Blah Blah...

#1I feel your hands upon meas i begin to fallare you holding me upor pushing me downsometimes it's hard to callone from the otherwhich will it beit changes with the windsas does your faith in meI give you my everythingnothing seems to dowhen i ask for a favoryou ask what's in it for youhealthy, i think it's clearly notyet you reamin to be the one i want. #2You let me down againIt's blatantly clearyou either don't realizeor you just don't careplay on my hopesplay on my dreamswatch as they fall awaywatch as i tear at the seamsyou do these thingsthen ask why it is i get madif it was on occasion instead of everydayit wouldn't be so badyou have become what you always claimed you hatedthose careless self absorbedassholes, you need to be eliminatedbut that's rather harsh of mei know what lies hidden insidebut when you asked "are you alright"and i said "yes"...Just know i lied. #3I harbor this great hatred for those who do no wrongi despise the lies, their eyes, and wish that I belongedamong that class, of those who have it allthe more i achieve, the more i fallwhen i descend, they never seem to carewhen i excel, they are always therethey lift me up only to watch me dropusing my hopes and dreams as nothing more than a propsomething to hold above me, swing above my headi see them coming towards me, feel the escalating dreadyet i'd give anything to be with them, play the parti'd give anything to just say no and follow my heart...yet i am bound to envelope their group for i am strongi will become for i need out of wrongwant for all to see me shinewatch me rise above it all watch happiness become minehowever this just wasnt' meant to bejust not planned out for mei will remain forever here simply unchangedwhile all around me things shift and rearrange...

...

Haven't updated in awhile..so the time has come...A little hungover, but good. Long Island Iced Teas...NO MORE! gahhhhh I had only 2 and 1 midori, and 2 Mikes..ok quite alot, but I didn't think the teas had so much kick LoL But it was fun regardless, went to karaoke, and no i didn't sing, however, I was a backup dancer for a few random ppl that i didn't know hehe Very nice ppl , Steph, Heather and these 2 weird guys haha. So let's see, Oh and why was I the Big Bald Headed Old Guy Magnet last night? Eeeeeek 2 of em! I was tempted to run..far far away, but my legs were kinda wobbly, go figure. I had a good time, that is till I got home...the drive home was...um...a bit of a challenge we'll say, then i got into my jammies hopped into bed, and of course the world wouldn't stop spinning, thank god sheri went home with chel, lol. So 15 minutes after laying myself down to sleep, I was stumbling to the bathroom, (gross i know..but there's a punchline this time) So as i'm doin the lovely duty, in comes my mom hahaMom: Drink too Much?Me: No.....Mom: What did you eat?Me: ChineseMom: Must be "chinese poisoning"Me: ye....oh god i'm gonna be sick...Mom: Promptly shuts door and goes back downstairs to bedroomWhat's up with that??? She didn't even rub my back..bad mommy bad. So needless to say I'm feelin ick today, and i have so much shit to do today, dye jerry's hair, mine, go to the bank, the mall, shannons, brook's to pic up my new pics......GOD Will it not cease? lol OH well..so much for a day off....Sorry for the lameness of this entry..just in a typing mood.Mike: You're cd is finally coming along, but you gotta explain the whole burning process...Cuz I'm lost lol but I've been ripping songs all damned morning :)

Yes. I Follow. LoL

Ok decided everyone from the board is doin this bad boy up..mine as well do it too...[01]What's your first name? Kristine, but I prefer Kris[02]Middle name? Marie[03]Last name? Only a very select few know this...and if you don't, then you're not one of the selected..Sorry :)[04]Nicknames? Sirk, MissKris, Smurf, Lazy, Hecuba[05]Age: 21[07]Birthday? June13[08]Your sign? Gemini[10]Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Who has time for that shiz? LoL No. [11]If so what's her/his name? Can I just call him Albert?[12]Have you ever been in love? Nope dont' think so, deep deep infactuation borderline obessession, SURE but not love [13]Who are/were your crushes? I have a few that would never be anything more, and one real major one...but we won't go into that one, we'll just refer to him as P[14]Do you have any piercings, or want any? yep[15]If so what do you have/want pierced? Have my ears cuz i'm that crazy, want, nothing really I have enuff holes in my head...maybe under my tongue[18]Where do you shop at the most? I don't really shop for clothes, so I'd have to say Newbury Comics (i'm addicted to cds) [19]What color is your hair? currently dark dark brown with honey hilites, soon to be candy apple red hilites[20]What color are your eyes? dark brown see? http://www.geocities.com/x_sirk79_x/smeye.JPG[21]How tall are you? 5'9'' I won't admit to 5'10''[22]Do you smoke? sadly yes[23]Do your friends smoke? most of them[24]Who are your best friends? Shannon, Marc, Patrick, Sug***********WILL THIS NEVER END GOD!!!!!!!!***************[25]Who are your friends? My Name is Kris, I'm a friend to all! hehe Too many ppl to list[26]Who are your best friends online? (HA! I wasn't even mentioned in anyone's list...well SCREW YOU ALL!!! j/k) Mike(funny we never used to talk huh?), Sean, Milo, TomTom, Jarred, Clif, Danielle, and Travis[27]Do you like Bath & Body Works? YepYep, I love pearberry and cucumber melon, used to live off of Pineapple Mango but it was discontinued...that killed me :*([28] Question #28 is being withheld for further examination and probing....[29]Is your hair short or long? It used to be very long, but i chop chopped it, so now it's a lil past my shoulders.[31]What turns you on? Honesty, a grounded self concept, a sense of humor, eyes...that sort of thing[32]What turns you off? Lies, those who can't think outside of their "realm", closemindedness, and racism[33]What do you do for fun? Hang out with friends, drink drank drunk, shop, go online...[34]How many phones are in your house? 4[35]How many TV's do you have in your house? 3 (we're not a big television viewing famfam)[36] What are your fav. Food? chinese or italian [37]Do you look like anyone famous? I don't think so, someone once said geena davis and i said what the fuck..heheh cuz we look NOTHING alike..oh well.[38]Who is the most attractive person u know? P, cuz he doesn't realize his full potential nor his effect on others, namingly me.....I don't think attractive has much to do with look to me, if they don't have it on the inside what's the point?[39]Do you wish to be like your parents? I sometimes hope to be as safe and as well planned as they are...but to be just like them...nah, i'm my own person, and we're very different in our ways.++++++++++++++++++How many more????+++++++++++++++++++++++++[40] What cologne should a hot girl/guy wear? This has got to be the lamest question LoL "Hot girl/guy" haha, but i love Cool Water on a guy, very very nice.[45]What are your favorite shoes? Don't have many, but probally my sneaks, Skecher's sky blue and white with this funky thing over the laces...hard to explain..[46]What kind of clothes do you sleep in if any? usually warmup pants and a tshirt, or sweatshirt..Yes i know so damn sexy huh?[47]What things do you say a lot? Ummm, ahhh, shit, wicked (according to milo =0p), Damn the Man, You Know I love you[48]Are you the serious, loud, happy,or shy type? I believe a well rounded person is all of these and knows when to be so in certain situations...heheh That's me![49]Who is the coolest person in the world? My Residents, they rock [51]What would you prefer Thong or Bikini? Neither..Cover that shit up! [53]Where do u wanna get married? I wanna get married in a glass church, in winter while it's snowing outside...(i don't know where...cuz i have to find a glass church LoL oh and start attending church..GOD This is more difficult than i thought...) Perhaps one of those Vegas drive thru weddings? who knows..I probally won't get married..too much committment.[54]Who is the hottest girl/guy in your school? I laugh in the face of danger hahahah Oh wait what did you ask?[57]What's your worst memory in the past 5 years? There are a lot of things that could be deemed "Worst Memory" worthy, however everything we go through serves a purpose...and we learn from everything that we face...so I wouldn't consider them all BAD..cuz from everything i've been through I'm stronger for it.[61]Do you have any brothers and sisters? Phil (26) he rocks =) I miss the lil rat bastard [65]What are you addicted to? the net, cd shopping, online shopping, Nyquil LoL that's bout as far as i go with addictions..Oh and ciggies..ew ew ew bad bad bad[66]Do you like jewelry? Sure as long as it's not gold, pearls, or diamonds..I'm all about the beads and hemp and funky stylings of plastic. [68]Who has it easier, boys or girls? I think that society standards wise guys have it easier..however we all pave our own paths, and we all interpret things in our own way, so we are all given the same bag of life opportunites etc...we just have to be more careful how we use em..[69]Would you rather be short or tall? I like being tall, serves well when reaching for items placed on higher shelves, however I wouldn't mind being a lil bit shorter..perhaps 5'7''? I don't know..I hate being taller than most guys heheh **********damn it's over finally...sheesh...question upon question......

The Simpilest Bliss

It's amazing how the simplest things bring a smile to my lips. It's amazing to see that the simplest action can produce a smile on someone's face. Something I equate as nothing, means so much to another. Something said in passing by another which means nothing at the time to them, can make me smile from ear to ear. Me seeing the smallest phrase, or the slightest gleam in someone's eye brings on feelings of sheer happiness...How me just giving a lil hug to one of my residents turns their fear, their sadness into cheer and happiness. How i can turn my friends from crying to laughing in a meer second...The way they can make me forget why i was upset, or how i was angry. The way my online friends can understand where I'm coming from even if i lose my path, or how they are there for me regardless that they don't actually "know" me. How seeing that my family can overcome arguments and be stronger for it....I'm just in a happy happy mood today, can't really explain this. I am just gonna revel in the fact that I'm happy, and surrounded by amazing people all the time. Even those who have lost the sight, are amazing, cuz in the recesses of their minds...there's the ability to smile or in turn make another smile.....I dont' know..cheesy aint' it? oh well. Happy Kris yay yay.Peace

Damn.

Ok why can't i write like this????CongratulationsI have a sweet creamy warm little jelly rollI have a mind to just let my whole body goThought I was hungry but now I don't really knowIf you don't want it you simply just say noI ain't an animal, lovable, huggableYou look so human but hey one can never tellI got no secrets and I think that you should knowlife ain't a party, it's not like a video'I am' he said to me 'equally wary.'I don't know what I like only know what I don'tI don't like what I know only love what I don'tI know the fire but none of the afterglowKilling the irony that's ruining rock 'n roll'I am' he said to me 'equally wary'Thinking of you as I lick the crumbs off the floorCongratulations are due as you shut the doorNever began and so nor will it ever endOnly desire, desire not anything moreI am heHe is meI am heHe is me-Juliana HatfieldYou BluesHit the bottom and bounce back upThe lowest low is only a beginningThese are the words many people said to meBut in a crowd you lose humanityScared of the future that comes from the pastWhen I think back I see that this could never lastAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to youWhat is he? He's the inspirationWhat am I? I'm a satelliteI revolve around a bigger bodyAnd when I fall, I just disappearScared of the future, aware of the pastWhen I think back I see that this could never lastAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to youSixteen months and seventeen dayswas enough to alienateAfter all, love is unbecomingI turn it off and while awayScared of the future that's made of the pastWhen I think back I see that this might never passAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to you-Juliana Hatfield

And This one...

This one i don't really know about...gonna enter it anyway..just cuz i wanna save it so i can read later on...openlet it godon't say a wordjust let me goclose it shutbehind mestay out of my wayi'm not goingcuz i never cameon againoff againnever really knowrunning full speed aheadbehind who knowsdon't let me get too farahead of myselffor i know not the waylet me live to seeyet another daydon't let me godon't hold me backdon't shed a teardon't look backi'm gone but i'm noti'm strong, but i'm weakmy mind is on gomy body on "E"my feet can move as faras they can travelmy feet can't get me awaymy wings are brokeni'll never find my wayi'm destined to never find a destinylost without a pathshown the way too many timescan't find my way outnot even from my rhymes.

Awake...again

So I called in again today..Yes I'm a deliquent..I can't help this...anyway again i just can't sleep..I don't know what is wrong with me lately...I have to go to a doc soon, cuz this is driving me insane...24 hours still no sleep...Can't function...but I sat and just streamed last night, that was cool...Not too sure what to make of what I wrote tho..as is usual..It's like i blank out and just write ...so here's one...(there were many I've been up all night arrrgh)Neverending and relentlesseverthing i hope to bepowerful and strongsomething to believestanding tall, feet above the groundnot so far from herenot so hard to achievesomething not seen clearthrow these feelings away extract them before they begin weighing upon my shouldersnever let me winself made prophecystill can't floolw throughself made destinystill trying to be youcan't stop this rushcan't stop this flowbegin the fall, the slipdiving way down belowbelow the scenewhere no one seesshed the tearsyet to bleedno one will knowno one will feelfeel this paincontinue to concealcontinue on this rantnever ceasenever endnever gain inner peacewho are theythe meek the strongwho am iwhere do i belongtake me inunder that broken wingtry to give me hopewhatever else it may bringloss disgust angermy how the time it goeswhen living undercoveryou think no one knowsbut they see see it allsee you riseand begin to fallnothing left time to gotime to ascendtime to grow....

Yeah So?

Ok So i've been told many a times that I "think" too much. Well this is gonna be one of those "thinking" updates......cuz that way i won't have to actually tell another person what's goin on in my head...cuz i'm that considerate.Alright so my best thinking time is when I'm driving to and from work..I mean it is an hour drive to and from so all in all that's 10 hours a week just driving to work alone...that's pretty shitty wouldn't you say? So that equates a whole hella lotta thinking time.So today's mindless ramble to self was something along the lines of this:We as humans put so much emotional attachments to simple words of the english language and simple gestures..or even to break it down more completely simple motions. I mean think about it..everything in life is what we percieve it to be...so every feeling we've experienced is in direct relation to how we interpret things...SO what i'm thinkin is this..if this is in fact true..then why would we as humans choose to interpret things in a way that is painful to us? Why do we feel pain? Why do we or I, I should say, get sad about thing? I mean it is all in how i'm taking things in right? If someone were to say "Hello" I could disect tons of things about that...The tone, the timing, how long it took to say that simple word...all that shit...you see where I'm going with this? So therefore..that person probally didn't mean anything other than a simple HELLO yet I can sit there and internalize it and completely blow it outta porportion..WHICH TOTALLY BLOWS..cuz as i sat and thought..I realize...maybe I caused myself unnecessary pain all this time..All the pain and hurt i've felt in my life...that is in some way attributed to myself..and my brain..my wacked out mind...This is maddening no? I mean really..am I right? am i over analyzing? In some ways yeah..but in some ways No. This was kinda a slap in the face..cuz then i thought..why the hell would i want to feel bad..is it cuz i wanna be able to experience the whole gammet of human emotion? Or am i self masochistic in some sort of way...does this make any sense whatsoever??? GOD i must be blowing some minds huh? I don't know I mean maybe me seeing this now was a sign...to make a better attempt at watching my perception of things going on around me..I have been pretty bumming lately...ya know? but how much of that is on me...and not the actual events?? that's just plain trippy if you seriously break it all down like that..So what did kris come away with today folks? If my life is suckin...it's all on me...basically..

Oh What a Day (cont'd)

Damn. ok that shouldnt' have happened.So where was I..oh yeah KABOOM.So I'm in the office..with everyone from my department, including my boss. Then the floor calls down freakin cuz they can't find me and there's only 2 girls on the floor..yet 2 nurses..so um? where's the problem? SO. Patty says don't worry just get up there when you get up there. yes we get a 30 min break..but I end up doing all my paperwork on my time..which is not fair so it turns into an hour most the time. Just enuff time to eat something (need energy to chase them old ppl damnit), smoke a quick butt, and do a few resident sheets. So whatever I started to go and I must have said something under my breath...and Patty says I wear my emotions like a mask..you can tell if I'm upset or pissed or whatevers..(bad trait me thinks) So we got to talking and I explained that the charge nurses are constantly up my ass, asking me where I'm going, what I'm doing...what I'm gonna go do ..etc etc. So she's like Kris..if you're not happy here...maybe you need to leave? EEEK so with that i leave and go upstairs..how messed up in my head was i? All i was thinking was..omg she wants to fire me? or wants me to leave? So i go upstairs and start passin trays..my mind weighed down heavy. Patty is up 10 minutes later and says Kris we need to talk. Double Eek Gads Even! So i start thinkin..She's going to fire my ass...i'm gettin da boot (not to mention this morning i had to go to the "inner office" and talk to the administrator..but that's a whole other pile of beans..). So we go off the floor..she basically just whisked me away..would have been a blessing really had it not been under these circumstances.So okWe go to the couches off the unit and she says Kris as much as i love you and as much as you are such a great worker and i would hate to see you go, you have to take care of you. She continued to say that she was so worried about me cuz i just wasn't happy. She also said you shouldn't feel shitty everytime you come into work. It should be fun...I haven't been having fun at work in months...and I just went off started from a and progressed to z...told her everything that was bothering me..how i was stuck and just getting deeper into a hole..told her how they treat me, how they do things that they don't do to Brenda (my coworker). So sad that they indeed do take advantage of me because how i feel bout my residents and my age. Patty also said that this place will suck you dry if you let them. How scary is that? How true tho...So yes..for like the 3rd time in 4 months i have cried in front of my boss I don't know how i feel about that...shows weakness no? or maybe more like it shows that I can't handle it? but I can..it's just hard to do something when you're not supported...or feeling like your supported. I just can't get it. Then she says Kris you need to be happy...you need to do what's right for you not everyone else...HOW DO I STOP THAT THO???god...(ouch mike you just called me a bitch??? DAMN YOU! LoL) She also said it's not healthy...but the MOST amazing thing..the one thing that brought me back to ground was her saying this simple yet amazingly true statement. "Your floor is by far the most difficult. Not many ppl can do it nor hang in as long as you have already. I for one could not do that 40 hours a week" Damn. Damn. Do you see my problem? Who's gonna do it if i do decide to leave?But we also talked about the fact that if I were to leave, I would never get the amount of money I get there...which is not a good thing...probally the one thing that i hold onto for the most. Not cuz i'm greedy..cuz by far i'm the least greedy person I know..but because of the bills i've racked up since relying on that paycheck. The car, tuition, insurance, rent, creditcard, etc etc etc. I've never had money before this is something I'm kinda liking..makes sense tho no? aaaaaahhhhhhhhh well I think I'm gonna make up a resume this weekend..see where that leads me...Anyone out there know how to make one?? LoL eeek this outta be fun.Peace....

Oh What a Day......

Today, was goin fine. Everything was good. Come 4:30, everything came crashing down. KABOOM

Mmm Happy?

"I'm so happy (so happy) how do you write about that?"-Harvey DangerSo true So true..Yet i felt i needed to get it out..so ppl don't think kris is just all doom and gloom..cuz I'm rarely like that. I was just having a spell...or something to that effect. So what you ask is making me smile from ear to ear, well let me tell you! There I was after workin like mad (again 2 aides only..but you know what? That's not bothering me at all..not today anyway.) sooooooo it's bout 1:30 I'm sittin at my dest about to devour a most scrumptious chicken ceasar salad. Yummy. and talkin to my coworker and i hear this strange lil sound..that is most unmistakingly the annoying lil ring of my annoying cell. So i pick up and DAMN guess who it is? oh yeah you guessed it. (how teeny am i sounding right now?) So all fetal attempts to get him outta my mind and concentrate on other "life occurences" were WHOOOOOOOOOSHED aside in one simple conversation. Damn huh? But it's alright. It's sorta false hope, but it's hope all the same no? I've thrown it out for so damned long in fear of failing or gettin caught up...Not no more..I'm just gonna roll with it, see where it all goes, not just with this..but with everything. No i'm not gonna be playa kris..but I'm definitely gonna quit with the inferiority trip i've been rollin on nowdays what's up with that? Let me tell ya tho, it's helped havin the cool peeps i have online boostin me...hehe Why? i don't know, i can't seem to understand that, but i have come to understand that from the inside things shine through...and that's what is the most important right? Right. So many thanks to my lil satellites..heheh well not really satellites..(cuz that song is highly irritating..) but my shining stars...=) Luv yas all! (well not all..but I can't be a biatch tonite..cuz i'm happy!) The brightest of them know who I'm referring to. right? Right. Much Peace and Light!

Took A Look Around...

So today was Tommy's big "Goin Away Again" party. I do not believe how much of a disapointment it became. I don't think ppl realize that he's gonna be gone for freakin 3 whole bloody years. 3 Years!!! That's a LONG damn time...They were so nonchalant about the whole thing. HOW? Tommy is one of the greatest guys of all time, layed back, really mellow, never really angry etc etc. The list goes on and on. Yet there was no big production made, no big thing at all. 1 shitty thing after another if you wanna break it down. His mom made us all leave. Ok which is totally understandable, i left with erik and came back with 4 car loads of ppl..Ok i see your point ma..you don't want that many ppl in your house. Ok another thing..we have to go to Eric's lil shack, which is cool, but he expected us to party outside...in the wet freshly mowed grass cuz he didn't trust the ppl there...Ok fine...it turned out that he was right but still my toes were frozen by the end of it all. He was cool tho, let a few of us in the house, so we hung in there.."The Chosen Ones" hehe Then Tommy had bought 2 beer balls...4 ppl took off with one...blatantly stole the damned thing. What is that? This boy is goin back to the army for 3 years and you steal is alcohol? What the hell are you thinking? Ok so yeah those things sucked..but not as much as gettin back in the car and talkin with Tom. Shannon made us leave early...well not really 2:30am..that's not early but still...it was kinda rude considering the circumstances. Tommy, he had been all detached from the group all night. Him and I went upstairs to his room and were talking abit. He's so upset. So let down. It hurts to see that ppl that meant the world to him, deem him not so. Even if it's not that way, they presented themselves in a way that showed nothing but that.SO here's my major problem..I haven't hung out with any of those guys since Tommy left..so basically since new years for most of them...How freakin sad...Not a one of them has made something of themselves..NOT ONE! Not to mention 2 of em are in jail. (again!) What the hell is this? Am i just gettin old? Am i just missing something? They are exactly where they were a few years ago..and not even considering goin anywhere else. Maybe it's cuz i'm settled and workin and getting somewhere...but them...they are stationary..stuck in the slump that they have willingly created. So sad. they had so much potential..all of them were and still are shining stars in my eyes regardless of the pointless trouble they get in. It's just so sad that they are going to let where they rose up from decide their future...Just cuz they came up from nothing...it doesn't mean they have to stabilize there......And the saddest thing of all...no matter what you say, they don't see that...they believe they are destined to always be.."grove rats" how sad...how sad indeed...:(

"back to normal kris"

that's what miles said. Back To Normal Kris...mmm wonder if that's the truth. so i took today off..just had time to sit and veg and not do a god damned thing. Called in sick hehe, but really i needed it no? I was beginning to trip myself out. overly tired, really annoyed at everyone and everything. funny that work can do that to you huh? well especially last night..cuz they really fucked me yesterday. They promised me double time to work last thursday, so they were really really short (ongoing trend..how shocking) so i was only gonna work til 9..however at 9 it was crazy, tons of ppl still to be put to bed and whatnot so i stayed till 11 finished off the 3-11 shift..You would think they would have been grateful no? No. instead they had the fuckin nerve to tell me they would only pay me double time til 9 and reg time til 11. what the fuck. This is what i got for helping them out when they had NO ONE? that's not cool not cool at all. That shows me exactly where they hold me in importance. I was so mad. I will NOT i repeat will NOT work a double again for a long long time. the second they ask me it's gonna be a definite NO. I can't do this to myself no more ya know? CNA is not easy by any means..but the thing is..i didn't go to school for it yet i do it the most. screw that. from here on in..i'm doin what i'm expected to do..no more goin up and above the call of duty so to speak..is that wrong of me? i mean for reals they are taken advantage of me, and i'm not gonna put up with it..cuz it puts me in a horrible mood and i want to be able to leave work at work..not let it flow over into my personal life.....so am i the bitch?

Fear

Ok I'm addicted ADDICTED i say to this song...been listenin to it on and off all freakin day long...why? I do not know..well i do..but i don't wanna discuss it. Ever get that feeling like if you discuss something that is goin on that you will jinx yourself? or that you'll make it happen more so? Strange way to feel but it's the truth seems that the more i obsess over something the more it happens...It's sorta like when you buy a car...you love it to death and you never see anyone with it until after you buy it and every where you turn there it is....Fear Morning smileslike the faceof a newborn child,innocent, unknowing.Winter's endpromisesof a long lost friend.Speaks to me of comfortbut I fearI have nothing to give.I have so muchto lose here in this lonely place.Tangled up in your embracethere's there's nothing I'd like better thanto fall.but I fearI have nothing to give.Wind in timerapes the flowertrembling on the vineand nothing yields to shelterfrom above.They say temptation will destroy our love.The never ending hungerbut I fearI have nothing to giveI have so muchto lose here in this lonely placetangled up in our embracethere's nothing I'd like better thanto fallbut I fearI have nothing to give.I have so much to lose.I have nothing to give.We have so much to lose... Why does that song go right through me??? argh..and it's on again...damnit. Guess it makes perfect sense tho doesn't it? Goin to the wedding seein it in motion...but not really being there..my mind off running. Not to mention as i sat there i looked around at the structures and all the beauty in the church, and just felt upset that with all that beauty and all that is promised and what not...how can they be so closed minded..how can they be so...wrong? i don't get religion..i just don't understand it at all...and then to hear everyone chanting..it is like a cult..turns my stomach..makes me feel very uneasy..all this on jay and rochelle's happiest day of their lives..this is what kris sat thinkin about..on a happier note, terry did in fact show up...and at the end of the night before we all left they gave each other a huge hug...I balled...imagine this..me tra and rinne sittin there ballin..but it just moved me to see them over come what they did..My family is so far from right..it really hurts to think of all the shit that they've put me through..and all the shit they continue to put all us kids through. No one puts themselves aside for even one day, it's hard for me to understand how one can become that jaded. But I'm guessin that it's not that hard to do. Easier to make yourself happy rather than a group. I just wish things would go back to how they were before all that's happened. Given things in my house are way better than back then..the rest of the family was great. But just to see the pain..and the unfairness being dished out all the time..it disheartens me. Makes me not want to have anything to do with any of them..but then that leaves me all alone no? I don't want that ...but i don't want this either.Back in the day when mom was sick, it was hard so hard..and dad was never around....but my aunts and uncles they were there for us..now they aren't. Now i'm the bad one and that's fine i should of used my head before all that shit blew over...but really there's not unity no more and I just wonder if it will ever be again. One never knows.