"It's been a long time..."

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated, therefore you are all getting an update. Nothing really exciting, however, I am in better spirits finally. =) YaY. I apologize for the immense shittiness of my most recent posts, it was just a bad week. So I actually spent some time with an old friend, when I say old, I'm talkin we go back 16 years type of old friend. Alot of things have come between us, mainly time and just difference in personalities and age. She's 19 goin on 20 (or 100 if you could only see her life :() and me being 21, we weren't together throughout school, so we kinda broke away, not to mention I was closer while growin up with her sister who just so happens to be my age. Ok so on to the point of this..at 17 "A" had a baby, I was the only one she told that she was even pregnant, so it was I who had to coax her into telling her family and ex bf. That was a feat in itself. So while i was a senior and she was a freshman in high school, she has told me, that was the best time for her..:( I found this really difficult to handle..To me it was nothing more than a normal routine, but to her, to just hang out with all of us, she said for the first time ever, she felt accepted, she felt loved...then she has the baby..and I have this horrible gut feelin it had to do with she wanted someone that she believed woudl always love her. I love her and the baby to death but it makes me so sad...what if I had kept in touch? What if I had dragged her out more often? She's not very social, no, but she never said no to hangin with me and "my boys".So let's fast foward again to the present...I left her house near tears. I had only spent 4 hours of my day there with her and the baby, by the end of that 4 hour stint I was beat, tired, and cranky. Just knowing that we couldn't just pick up and go out, knowing that we couldn't crank the radio and just have a sweet ol time...Just having to watch the baby 24-7..I know that makes me come off cold..But I'm not..I just know for myself that I'm really not ready to be a mother and this just justifies it. But then the thing that really saddened me, and made me view my life in a whole different light, made me forget my unhappiness, was seeing the dispair, the sadness in "A"'s eyes...All the concerns she voiced..."What if this is it?" "What if no one else ever loves me cuz they can't except the baby?" "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" all these things..weighty topics that she's going through...I mean I'm not pacifiying the fact that she should have been more careful, but what's done is done and you can not take it back..and I have overflowing respect that 1. she kept the baby and 2. that she has been one of the best mothers i've seen..she teaches her, she guides her, she does the most amazing things for her, even tho she can't do anything for herself..she's so depressed..but has this one light ..her lil angel. I've seen many mothers, (other friends of mine in fact) who are now not with the fathers of their baby and now just kinda pawn the child off on anyone willing to babysit..and i feel that's in a way abandonment no? But "A" takes it to the next extreme...she won't leave the baby with anyone..she says she doesn't "trust" them...eeeek that's not good either huh? But it's not like an unhealthy thing, she really has lil to nothing goin on in her life besides her child...Anyway, this made me open my eyes to a life outside my realm..Mine is by far not as sad or bad as some...In fact some would go as far to say it's better..I have no attachments, I can up and go at any time, I have my close circle of friends, and my attachment friends (lol), still can't help but get down every once in awhile but I think that's to be expected no? The fact remains..I live my life for no one else..and that's all that I can handle at this point..I'm going through too many emotions all the time, I'm going through so many outlets and still finding my true place here on this lovely green planet, So i thank my parents and my closer friends for keeping me here, keeping my mindset where it ought to be..keeping me grounded as a person..never lettin me get too high never lettin me get too low...=) Guess I'll remain happy now, sad I had to find it this way through the pain of another..but knowing it, I can be a better friend to her now, I'm gonna try my hardest to make every attempt to keep in touch better, (and those of you who know me off of here..know how bad I am at that..hehe I sorry!) but yeah this is for now my plan.