Aggravation...

Ok so I really shouldn't be aggravated at this point..it's 30 mins before the big "night" hehe Incubus Taproot, Deftones and my buds...yet I'm so PISSED OFF!!! This better wear off prior to approaching the Tsongas Arena. So yesterday was the start of this pisser of a day, Marc backed out of the show..and didn't even call to cancel..no he cheesed out online..Man that aggravates me, he's all oh, well I figured you're always on..well apparently NOT since you couldn't get in touch with me. yes as hard as it is to believe I do have a life, and have been goin out every night since I started my vacation..grr. SO alright I found someone online to buy that ticket which kicked copious amounts of ass, however...I can;'t get in touch with Tracy...errr So she calls today from work mind you (workin 1-9) and tells me oh I'll just leave work early if you can't find someone else...This total high school bullshit of Well if he goes I am not going..err It's actually quite a good thing that she's not going, after the whole NJ experience...Even my mom was like Well just don't smoke weed in front of her! haha WoW. So now I wanted Steve to go , so screw that finding someone for his ticket, I instead found someone for her ticket...is that so wrong of me? Nah. I didn't think so =) So now I'm just waiting for Pat to come pick me up..da da da Don't know what to do with my time now..I'm dying here Ahh well I'll go check the boards and mail then...gah. LoL So wish me fun peeps.Peace->Sirk

Expectations..

I'm tryin to make them few and far between for this upcoming week. I'm trying to not set myself up for a fall..I'm trying.So I'm not thinking about it, I'm trying not to think about him actually. I can't possibly do that without building up some sort of expectation. How unfair it would be of me to do that to him, he knows not what he means to me, he couldn't possibly know. For I have never told him, nor will I ever be the first to speak of these feelings if the occasion were to present itself. I can't. I really truly just can't. How sickening, I'm not one that settles to the bottom and just hovers in one spot, in every other life venture, I'm the first to put myself out there..the first to jump to the challenge..then when it comes to games of the heart, I shrink back into my shell. I've come so far from where I was, I've won so many battles with my inner demons, yet still can't bring myself to vocalize the words that bubble just below the surface of my being all the time. Obsessed..perhaps, but in the most healthy way possible. I know my limitations, I know I would never go off the deep end..I'm just not like that. Takes alot for me to show that much emotion..to anyone, not just him.Hell I can't even have normal mother/father/brother daughter/sister conversations..how would i even prepare myself for this type of "confrontation" I know this is yet another demon waiting to be slayed..but this one is a higher hurdle than all the rest..I don't know if I can quite catch enough air on this one. Hard when you're raised up one particular way, and are brought up believing emotions are bad..and making them be known..ten fold. Shitty that I can't bring these things up with anyone whilst in conversation, it has to be in the seclusion of my journal...this one and written. But back to the point of this damned entry.......him. Gah! All someone has to do is bring him up, and there I go. I'll be doing so well to, still I'm not consumed by him, my thoughts aren't all based and run by him in mind. So that's good right? Then the ever more predominant dilemna here is this..I'm the type of person that can only handle one major thing at a time or deal with the consequence..which is total mental/emotional shutdown..which i know i'm kinda teetering upon all the time as of late..why? well i know why, so we don't have to discuss that.Ahh well. All actions have a reaction, so the things that have happened between us, they have no choice but to get me to feel this way. I mean..they aren't just normal everyday "friendly" type things ya know? I know the things I say have an effect on him, and vice versa. We hold a position in each others eyes that is hard to explain and hard to really see clearly. It's jaded beyond belief, and for that we can't see things as they are..and it sucks.