Expectations..

I'm tryin to make them few and far between for this upcoming week. I'm trying to not set myself up for a fall..I'm trying.So I'm not thinking about it, I'm trying not to think about him actually. I can't possibly do that without building up some sort of expectation. How unfair it would be of me to do that to him, he knows not what he means to me, he couldn't possibly know. For I have never told him, nor will I ever be the first to speak of these feelings if the occasion were to present itself. I can't. I really truly just can't. How sickening, I'm not one that settles to the bottom and just hovers in one spot, in every other life venture, I'm the first to put myself out there..the first to jump to the challenge..then when it comes to games of the heart, I shrink back into my shell. I've come so far from where I was, I've won so many battles with my inner demons, yet still can't bring myself to vocalize the words that bubble just below the surface of my being all the time. Obsessed..perhaps, but in the most healthy way possible. I know my limitations, I know I would never go off the deep end..I'm just not like that. Takes alot for me to show that much emotion..to anyone, not just him.Hell I can't even have normal mother/father/brother daughter/sister conversations..how would i even prepare myself for this type of "confrontation" I know this is yet another demon waiting to be slayed..but this one is a higher hurdle than all the rest..I don't know if I can quite catch enough air on this one. Hard when you're raised up one particular way, and are brought up believing emotions are bad..and making them be known..ten fold. Shitty that I can't bring these things up with anyone whilst in conversation, it has to be in the seclusion of my journal...this one and written. But back to the point of this damned entry.......him. Gah! All someone has to do is bring him up, and there I go. I'll be doing so well to, still I'm not consumed by him, my thoughts aren't all based and run by him in mind. So that's good right? Then the ever more predominant dilemna here is this..I'm the type of person that can only handle one major thing at a time or deal with the consequence..which is total mental/emotional shutdown..which i know i'm kinda teetering upon all the time as of late..why? well i know why, so we don't have to discuss that.Ahh well. All actions have a reaction, so the things that have happened between us, they have no choice but to get me to feel this way. I mean..they aren't just normal everyday "friendly" type things ya know? I know the things I say have an effect on him, and vice versa. We hold a position in each others eyes that is hard to explain and hard to really see clearly. It's jaded beyond belief, and for that we can't see things as they are..and it sucks.