Yeah So?

Ok So i've been told many a times that I "think" too much. Well this is gonna be one of those "thinking" updates......cuz that way i won't have to actually tell another person what's goin on in my head...cuz i'm that considerate.Alright so my best thinking time is when I'm driving to and from work..I mean it is an hour drive to and from so all in all that's 10 hours a week just driving to work alone...that's pretty shitty wouldn't you say? So that equates a whole hella lotta thinking time.So today's mindless ramble to self was something along the lines of this:We as humans put so much emotional attachments to simple words of the english language and simple gestures..or even to break it down more completely simple motions. I mean think about it..everything in life is what we percieve it to be...so every feeling we've experienced is in direct relation to how we interpret things...SO what i'm thinkin is this..if this is in fact true..then why would we as humans choose to interpret things in a way that is painful to us? Why do we feel pain? Why do we or I, I should say, get sad about thing? I mean it is all in how i'm taking things in right? If someone were to say "Hello" I could disect tons of things about that...The tone, the timing, how long it took to say that simple word...all that shit...you see where I'm going with this? So therefore..that person probally didn't mean anything other than a simple HELLO yet I can sit there and internalize it and completely blow it outta porportion..WHICH TOTALLY BLOWS..cuz as i sat and thought..I realize...maybe I caused myself unnecessary pain all this time..All the pain and hurt i've felt in my life...that is in some way attributed to myself..and my brain..my wacked out mind...This is maddening no? I mean really..am I right? am i over analyzing? In some ways yeah..but in some ways No. This was kinda a slap in the face..cuz then i thought..why the hell would i want to feel bad..is it cuz i wanna be able to experience the whole gammet of human emotion? Or am i self masochistic in some sort of way...does this make any sense whatsoever??? GOD i must be blowing some minds huh? I don't know I mean maybe me seeing this now was a sign...to make a better attempt at watching my perception of things going on around me..I have been pretty bumming lately...ya know? but how much of that is on me...and not the actual events?? that's just plain trippy if you seriously break it all down like that..So what did kris come away with today folks? If my life is suckin...it's all on me...basically..

Oh What a Day (cont'd)

Damn. ok that shouldnt' have happened.So where was I..oh yeah KABOOM.So I'm in the office..with everyone from my department, including my boss. Then the floor calls down freakin cuz they can't find me and there's only 2 girls on the floor..yet 2 nurses..so um? where's the problem? SO. Patty says don't worry just get up there when you get up there. yes we get a 30 min break..but I end up doing all my paperwork on my time..which is not fair so it turns into an hour most the time. Just enuff time to eat something (need energy to chase them old ppl damnit), smoke a quick butt, and do a few resident sheets. So whatever I started to go and I must have said something under my breath...and Patty says I wear my emotions like a mask..you can tell if I'm upset or pissed or whatevers..(bad trait me thinks) So we got to talking and I explained that the charge nurses are constantly up my ass, asking me where I'm going, what I'm doing...what I'm gonna go do ..etc etc. So she's like Kris..if you're not happy here...maybe you need to leave? EEEK so with that i leave and go upstairs..how messed up in my head was i? All i was thinking was..omg she wants to fire me? or wants me to leave? So i go upstairs and start passin trays..my mind weighed down heavy. Patty is up 10 minutes later and says Kris we need to talk. Double Eek Gads Even! So i start thinkin..She's going to fire my ass...i'm gettin da boot (not to mention this morning i had to go to the "inner office" and talk to the administrator..but that's a whole other pile of beans..). So we go off the floor..she basically just whisked me away..would have been a blessing really had it not been under these circumstances.So okWe go to the couches off the unit and she says Kris as much as i love you and as much as you are such a great worker and i would hate to see you go, you have to take care of you. She continued to say that she was so worried about me cuz i just wasn't happy. She also said you shouldn't feel shitty everytime you come into work. It should be fun...I haven't been having fun at work in months...and I just went off started from a and progressed to z...told her everything that was bothering me..how i was stuck and just getting deeper into a hole..told her how they treat me, how they do things that they don't do to Brenda (my coworker). So sad that they indeed do take advantage of me because how i feel bout my residents and my age. Patty also said that this place will suck you dry if you let them. How scary is that? How true tho...So yes..for like the 3rd time in 4 months i have cried in front of my boss I don't know how i feel about that...shows weakness no? or maybe more like it shows that I can't handle it? but I can..it's just hard to do something when you're not supported...or feeling like your supported. I just can't get it. Then she says Kris you need to be happy...you need to do what's right for you not everyone else...HOW DO I STOP THAT THO???god...(ouch mike you just called me a bitch??? DAMN YOU! LoL) She also said it's not healthy...but the MOST amazing thing..the one thing that brought me back to ground was her saying this simple yet amazingly true statement. "Your floor is by far the most difficult. Not many ppl can do it nor hang in as long as you have already. I for one could not do that 40 hours a week" Damn. Damn. Do you see my problem? Who's gonna do it if i do decide to leave?But we also talked about the fact that if I were to leave, I would never get the amount of money I get there...which is not a good thing...probally the one thing that i hold onto for the most. Not cuz i'm greedy..cuz by far i'm the least greedy person I know..but because of the bills i've racked up since relying on that paycheck. The car, tuition, insurance, rent, creditcard, etc etc etc. I've never had money before this is something I'm kinda liking..makes sense tho no? aaaaaahhhhhhhhh well I think I'm gonna make up a resume this weekend..see where that leads me...Anyone out there know how to make one?? LoL eeek this outta be fun.Peace....

Oh What a Day......

Today, was goin fine. Everything was good. Come 4:30, everything came crashing down. KABOOM

Mmm Happy?

"I'm so happy (so happy) how do you write about that?"-Harvey DangerSo true So true..Yet i felt i needed to get it out..so ppl don't think kris is just all doom and gloom..cuz I'm rarely like that. I was just having a spell...or something to that effect. So what you ask is making me smile from ear to ear, well let me tell you! There I was after workin like mad (again 2 aides only..but you know what? That's not bothering me at all..not today anyway.) sooooooo it's bout 1:30 I'm sittin at my dest about to devour a most scrumptious chicken ceasar salad. Yummy. and talkin to my coworker and i hear this strange lil sound..that is most unmistakingly the annoying lil ring of my annoying cell. So i pick up and DAMN guess who it is? oh yeah you guessed it. (how teeny am i sounding right now?) So all fetal attempts to get him outta my mind and concentrate on other "life occurences" were WHOOOOOOOOOSHED aside in one simple conversation. Damn huh? But it's alright. It's sorta false hope, but it's hope all the same no? I've thrown it out for so damned long in fear of failing or gettin caught up...Not no more..I'm just gonna roll with it, see where it all goes, not just with this..but with everything. No i'm not gonna be playa kris..but I'm definitely gonna quit with the inferiority trip i've been rollin on nowdays what's up with that? Let me tell ya tho, it's helped havin the cool peeps i have online boostin me...hehe Why? i don't know, i can't seem to understand that, but i have come to understand that from the inside things shine through...and that's what is the most important right? Right. So many thanks to my lil satellites..heheh well not really satellites..(cuz that song is highly irritating..) but my shining stars...=) Luv yas all! (well not all..but I can't be a biatch tonite..cuz i'm happy!) The brightest of them know who I'm referring to. right? Right. Much Peace and Light!

Took A Look Around...

So today was Tommy's big "Goin Away Again" party. I do not believe how much of a disapointment it became. I don't think ppl realize that he's gonna be gone for freakin 3 whole bloody years. 3 Years!!! That's a LONG damn time...They were so nonchalant about the whole thing. HOW? Tommy is one of the greatest guys of all time, layed back, really mellow, never really angry etc etc. The list goes on and on. Yet there was no big production made, no big thing at all. 1 shitty thing after another if you wanna break it down. His mom made us all leave. Ok which is totally understandable, i left with erik and came back with 4 car loads of ppl..Ok i see your point ma..you don't want that many ppl in your house. Ok another thing..we have to go to Eric's lil shack, which is cool, but he expected us to party outside...in the wet freshly mowed grass cuz he didn't trust the ppl there...Ok fine...it turned out that he was right but still my toes were frozen by the end of it all. He was cool tho, let a few of us in the house, so we hung in there.."The Chosen Ones" hehe Then Tommy had bought 2 beer balls...4 ppl took off with one...blatantly stole the damned thing. What is that? This boy is goin back to the army for 3 years and you steal is alcohol? What the hell are you thinking? Ok so yeah those things sucked..but not as much as gettin back in the car and talkin with Tom. Shannon made us leave early...well not really 2:30am..that's not early but still...it was kinda rude considering the circumstances. Tommy, he had been all detached from the group all night. Him and I went upstairs to his room and were talking abit. He's so upset. So let down. It hurts to see that ppl that meant the world to him, deem him not so. Even if it's not that way, they presented themselves in a way that showed nothing but that.SO here's my major problem..I haven't hung out with any of those guys since Tommy left..so basically since new years for most of them...How freakin sad...Not a one of them has made something of themselves..NOT ONE! Not to mention 2 of em are in jail. (again!) What the hell is this? Am i just gettin old? Am i just missing something? They are exactly where they were a few years ago..and not even considering goin anywhere else. Maybe it's cuz i'm settled and workin and getting somewhere...but them...they are stationary..stuck in the slump that they have willingly created. So sad. they had so much potential..all of them were and still are shining stars in my eyes regardless of the pointless trouble they get in. It's just so sad that they are going to let where they rose up from decide their future...Just cuz they came up from nothing...it doesn't mean they have to stabilize there......And the saddest thing of all...no matter what you say, they don't see that...they believe they are destined to always be.."grove rats" how sad...how sad indeed...:(

"back to normal kris"

that's what miles said. Back To Normal Kris...mmm wonder if that's the truth. so i took today off..just had time to sit and veg and not do a god damned thing. Called in sick hehe, but really i needed it no? I was beginning to trip myself out. overly tired, really annoyed at everyone and everything. funny that work can do that to you huh? well especially last night..cuz they really fucked me yesterday. They promised me double time to work last thursday, so they were really really short (ongoing trend..how shocking) so i was only gonna work til 9..however at 9 it was crazy, tons of ppl still to be put to bed and whatnot so i stayed till 11 finished off the 3-11 shift..You would think they would have been grateful no? No. instead they had the fuckin nerve to tell me they would only pay me double time til 9 and reg time til 11. what the fuck. This is what i got for helping them out when they had NO ONE? that's not cool not cool at all. That shows me exactly where they hold me in importance. I was so mad. I will NOT i repeat will NOT work a double again for a long long time. the second they ask me it's gonna be a definite NO. I can't do this to myself no more ya know? CNA is not easy by any means..but the thing is..i didn't go to school for it yet i do it the most. screw that. from here on in..i'm doin what i'm expected to do..no more goin up and above the call of duty so to speak..is that wrong of me? i mean for reals they are taken advantage of me, and i'm not gonna put up with it..cuz it puts me in a horrible mood and i want to be able to leave work at work..not let it flow over into my personal life.....so am i the bitch?