Thinking.....

This one song means so much to me...well in know it's just a spring hazebut i don't much like the look of itand if omens are a god send like menbreezing incertain these clouds go somewherebillowing out to somewherein a single engine cessnayou say we'll never make it thereso all we do is circle ituh oh. let go. off on my wayunseen this eternal wantinguh oh. way to goso i get creamedwaiting on Sunday to drownuhoh. way to go.waiting on Sundaywaiting on Sunday to landuhoh. way to go.waiting on Sundaywaiting on Sunday to drownso i know it's just a spring hazebut i don't much like the look of itbut all we do is circle itand i found out where my edge isand it bleeds into where you resistand my only way out is to goso far inbillowing out to somewherebillowing out luna rivierabillowing out to somewhereuhoh. let go. off on my wayunseen this eternal wantinglet go. so far. really getting creamedwaiting on Sunday to landwaiting on Sunday to drownwhy does it always end up like thiswaiting on Sunday so i get creamedwaiting for Sunday to drown-Spring Haze-Tori AmosAlright, that aside...I don't really know what to feel right now, it's weird. You know the moment when you finally see someone for what they are? Well it happened to me this lovely Thanksgiving. It hasn't been 2 years since the big "explosion". Yet now it's happening again, but it seems this time it's ok. Ironic. I'm in awe that people don't realize their own actions. I'm in awe that what someone took great offense in not so long ago, becomes what they are. I'm in utter amazement that people can be that oblivious to their own lives...How can you live under guaze all the time? How can you believe yourself exempt from the burdens that you made me bare lil over a year ago?? Yep. You guessed it. The Golden Child strikes once again. After the NJ incident, I would think that there would be a line that had been drawn, it has taken me this long to even view her as slightly respectable, and not even that much so. Everything she ratted me out on...EVERYTHING, she in turn is now partaking in it. Now I could be her in this situation, I could totally snitch, but then what does that make me..That makes me the evil bitch I viewed her to be, that lowers me to a level I know I couldnt' stand myself for being on. I refuse to be her, I refuse to bow down to her..But then I stop and think, omg, how can I let her float on in life with everyone still believing she's the well behaved, intelligent one? How can I knowing what she's done to my family's view of me, go unscarred? This sucks. I'm not gonna cheese out and rat her out..that's not my style..but what I wouldn't give to see her get hers...I realize that sounds spiteful/nasty/vengeful..but really if you guys understood the hell that I went through with all this crap, I know you'd understand.Ahh well we'll see. So why does this song make me think so much..just lyrically, it's exactly what I'm goin through right now..not with the GoldenChild..but with "other" stuff hehe Oh well We'll see what goes down...

Aggravation...

Ok so I really shouldn't be aggravated at this point..it's 30 mins before the big "night" hehe Incubus Taproot, Deftones and my buds...yet I'm so PISSED OFF!!! This better wear off prior to approaching the Tsongas Arena. So yesterday was the start of this pisser of a day, Marc backed out of the show..and didn't even call to cancel..no he cheesed out online..Man that aggravates me, he's all oh, well I figured you're always on..well apparently NOT since you couldn't get in touch with me. yes as hard as it is to believe I do have a life, and have been goin out every night since I started my vacation..grr. SO alright I found someone online to buy that ticket which kicked copious amounts of ass, however...I can;'t get in touch with Tracy...errr So she calls today from work mind you (workin 1-9) and tells me oh I'll just leave work early if you can't find someone else...This total high school bullshit of Well if he goes I am not going..err It's actually quite a good thing that she's not going, after the whole NJ experience...Even my mom was like Well just don't smoke weed in front of her! haha WoW. So now I wanted Steve to go , so screw that finding someone for his ticket, I instead found someone for her ticket...is that so wrong of me? Nah. I didn't think so =) So now I'm just waiting for Pat to come pick me up..da da da Don't know what to do with my time now..I'm dying here Ahh well I'll go check the boards and mail then...gah. LoL So wish me fun peeps.Peace->Sirk

Expectations..

I'm tryin to make them few and far between for this upcoming week. I'm trying to not set myself up for a fall..I'm trying.So I'm not thinking about it, I'm trying not to think about him actually. I can't possibly do that without building up some sort of expectation. How unfair it would be of me to do that to him, he knows not what he means to me, he couldn't possibly know. For I have never told him, nor will I ever be the first to speak of these feelings if the occasion were to present itself. I can't. I really truly just can't. How sickening, I'm not one that settles to the bottom and just hovers in one spot, in every other life venture, I'm the first to put myself out there..the first to jump to the challenge..then when it comes to games of the heart, I shrink back into my shell. I've come so far from where I was, I've won so many battles with my inner demons, yet still can't bring myself to vocalize the words that bubble just below the surface of my being all the time. Obsessed..perhaps, but in the most healthy way possible. I know my limitations, I know I would never go off the deep end..I'm just not like that. Takes alot for me to show that much emotion..to anyone, not just him.Hell I can't even have normal mother/father/brother daughter/sister conversations..how would i even prepare myself for this type of "confrontation" I know this is yet another demon waiting to be slayed..but this one is a higher hurdle than all the rest..I don't know if I can quite catch enough air on this one. Hard when you're raised up one particular way, and are brought up believing emotions are bad..and making them be known..ten fold. Shitty that I can't bring these things up with anyone whilst in conversation, it has to be in the seclusion of my journal...this one and written. But back to the point of this damned entry.......him. Gah! All someone has to do is bring him up, and there I go. I'll be doing so well to, still I'm not consumed by him, my thoughts aren't all based and run by him in mind. So that's good right? Then the ever more predominant dilemna here is this..I'm the type of person that can only handle one major thing at a time or deal with the consequence..which is total mental/emotional shutdown..which i know i'm kinda teetering upon all the time as of late..why? well i know why, so we don't have to discuss that.Ahh well. All actions have a reaction, so the things that have happened between us, they have no choice but to get me to feel this way. I mean..they aren't just normal everyday "friendly" type things ya know? I know the things I say have an effect on him, and vice versa. We hold a position in each others eyes that is hard to explain and hard to really see clearly. It's jaded beyond belief, and for that we can't see things as they are..and it sucks.

"It's been a long time..."

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated, therefore you are all getting an update. Nothing really exciting, however, I am in better spirits finally. =) YaY. I apologize for the immense shittiness of my most recent posts, it was just a bad week. So I actually spent some time with an old friend, when I say old, I'm talkin we go back 16 years type of old friend. Alot of things have come between us, mainly time and just difference in personalities and age. She's 19 goin on 20 (or 100 if you could only see her life :() and me being 21, we weren't together throughout school, so we kinda broke away, not to mention I was closer while growin up with her sister who just so happens to be my age. Ok so on to the point of this..at 17 "A" had a baby, I was the only one she told that she was even pregnant, so it was I who had to coax her into telling her family and ex bf. That was a feat in itself. So while i was a senior and she was a freshman in high school, she has told me, that was the best time for her..:( I found this really difficult to handle..To me it was nothing more than a normal routine, but to her, to just hang out with all of us, she said for the first time ever, she felt accepted, she felt loved...then she has the baby..and I have this horrible gut feelin it had to do with she wanted someone that she believed woudl always love her. I love her and the baby to death but it makes me so sad...what if I had kept in touch? What if I had dragged her out more often? She's not very social, no, but she never said no to hangin with me and "my boys".So let's fast foward again to the present...I left her house near tears. I had only spent 4 hours of my day there with her and the baby, by the end of that 4 hour stint I was beat, tired, and cranky. Just knowing that we couldn't just pick up and go out, knowing that we couldn't crank the radio and just have a sweet ol time...Just having to watch the baby 24-7..I know that makes me come off cold..But I'm not..I just know for myself that I'm really not ready to be a mother and this just justifies it. But then the thing that really saddened me, and made me view my life in a whole different light, made me forget my unhappiness, was seeing the dispair, the sadness in "A"'s eyes...All the concerns she voiced..."What if this is it?" "What if no one else ever loves me cuz they can't except the baby?" "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" all these things..weighty topics that she's going through...I mean I'm not pacifiying the fact that she should have been more careful, but what's done is done and you can not take it back..and I have overflowing respect that 1. she kept the baby and 2. that she has been one of the best mothers i've seen..she teaches her, she guides her, she does the most amazing things for her, even tho she can't do anything for herself..she's so depressed..but has this one light ..her lil angel. I've seen many mothers, (other friends of mine in fact) who are now not with the fathers of their baby and now just kinda pawn the child off on anyone willing to babysit..and i feel that's in a way abandonment no? But "A" takes it to the next extreme...she won't leave the baby with anyone..she says she doesn't "trust" them...eeeek that's not good either huh? But it's not like an unhealthy thing, she really has lil to nothing goin on in her life besides her child...Anyway, this made me open my eyes to a life outside my realm..Mine is by far not as sad or bad as some...In fact some would go as far to say it's better..I have no attachments, I can up and go at any time, I have my close circle of friends, and my attachment friends (lol), still can't help but get down every once in awhile but I think that's to be expected no? The fact remains..I live my life for no one else..and that's all that I can handle at this point..I'm going through too many emotions all the time, I'm going through so many outlets and still finding my true place here on this lovely green planet, So i thank my parents and my closer friends for keeping me here, keeping my mindset where it ought to be..keeping me grounded as a person..never lettin me get too high never lettin me get too low...=) Guess I'll remain happy now, sad I had to find it this way through the pain of another..but knowing it, I can be a better friend to her now, I'm gonna try my hardest to make every attempt to keep in touch better, (and those of you who know me off of here..know how bad I am at that..hehe I sorry!) but yeah this is for now my plan.

Past Full

I've had it..quite honestly just had it. I'm sick of it, really. This pettiness, this self centered shit. All this crap that's banged upon my head, it gets really tiring, it gets really annoying and it suffocates me. I'm drowning in it. Yet it's all around me, I can't even wade through it all. People are so ......I can't even place a word here to measure the magnitude of what I'm feeling. People...they are the most fucked up creatures in this world. They hurt others and then expect to be comforted. They have no time to lend to others, conversations consistently end upon "how are you". I've said it before and I'll continue on saying it cuz now i'm really pissed off.. What about me? What about what I'm goin through? what about my pain, sadness, anger, hostility, etc etc...Goin on into infinity and beyond. I'm like this person..a person who is not "allowed" to have a bad time, I'm supposed to fix them all, I'm supposed to have all the answers, I'm supposed to be the buffer between all that is good and bad for all..well you know what? FUCK YOU Fuck all of it, Yeah I'm angry..yeah i'm pissed...If you didn't really care, ya shouldn't have fronted on me, this idea that you did, didn't just pop into my head magically, i'm a hard ass, i confront everything, yet can't confront you face to face...have to do it in the safety of livejournal...Errrrr I'm so pissed at everything at the moment, and if i felt secure, and if i felt that i made a "dent" it's all been washed away..Swiped away violently if nothing at all...So now what? Where to go from here...go on? continue? fix it? i think not..it's been done..it's been over..this was a long time in coming..."I'm flying so over it"-Tanya Donnelly.

Withheld to Protect the Innocent....

I'm sure no one is gonna understand this but me..but that's ok. I feel summed upmy whole life is a jokeall promises I made to myselfhave been brokeI'm so full of painso full of worryI feel full of failureand for this I am sorryI had a light that shined so brightthat has been dimmed and replaced with frightfear of what's to comefear of what I've doneNeverending, stationary herethis is the cross I shall barenot breaking downbut silently eroding stillNothing can stop itnot till it's fullCan't see what's behindCan't see up aheadNothing to the right,and to the left, deep dreadYes this is wrongYes this is saddeningNo I can't stop itAnd this is quite maddeningIt's happened beforeit's coming againwho will be therewho's got an extra hand to lendI'm not ready to gobut ready to endIt's a thin line that I walkAll I needed was a friendTo stop the blowsTo stop the hurtI've sunken my hopesfar into the dirtWill you be thereWill you not goI sit, I think, I sinkthe answers not knownI need something Yet can't think what it isDo you have that somethingto remedy this?Please someone let it be heardplease help fix meMy sight is jaded and I can't see clearlyBut you have the flashlight that cuts through this smogIt's you that I'll count onto end my fog.So this be my messageI hope you hear it in timeThat way you can help mebefore i go out of my mind....

That Damned Fog Again....

There's this blanket of fog that seems to just kinda envelope me at all times...it's so heavy it makes me forget what makes me happy, forget what makes me smile, forget what i find good and fun...and it sucks..and it seems to be ever more predominant as of late. With really no actual reasoning behind it, I mean things are goin pretty damned good. My friends rock (well for the most part), work's goin good (got a raise to boot), famfam is cool, online shiz is ok...So i don't really understand it. Some of it i know it just unresolved things, but some of it ...some of it is just things that were left to build up and up and they are now kickin my ass. It's weird..it all happens in cycles. There's time when all i wanna do is be at home and chillin out, then there's times when i just wanna be out surrounded by the ppl i feel the most comfy with (my friends)..then there's those times when i actually just wanna be at work..Sick i know..but it's like i'm 1 hour away from everything...in a sense it's an escape almost. But then on other days it's like a prison..So let's see I'm gettin ever so excited bout the show, should be damned fun, what's better me, my boys, and incubus...maybe if tori and guster were on the bill..heheh holy shit i wouldnt' be able to walk....Finally caught up on my bills...............just in time for the next slew..damn. Ain't that a son of a biatch, not to mention all the old ones were late, I make enough money....i just don't know how to manage it i guess, i'm not broke..i just don't go to the bank hehe. ahh well i'll figure something out i always do.:(I don't know..just wanted to vent me guesses. Sorry for those who had to read it LoL