"It's been a long time..."

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated, therefore you are all getting an update. Nothing really exciting, however, I am in better spirits finally. =) YaY. I apologize for the immense shittiness of my most recent posts, it was just a bad week. So I actually spent some time with an old friend, when I say old, I'm talkin we go back 16 years type of old friend. Alot of things have come between us, mainly time and just difference in personalities and age. She's 19 goin on 20 (or 100 if you could only see her life :() and me being 21, we weren't together throughout school, so we kinda broke away, not to mention I was closer while growin up with her sister who just so happens to be my age. Ok so on to the point of this..at 17 "A" had a baby, I was the only one she told that she was even pregnant, so it was I who had to coax her into telling her family and ex bf. That was a feat in itself. So while i was a senior and she was a freshman in high school, she has told me, that was the best time for her..:( I found this really difficult to handle..To me it was nothing more than a normal routine, but to her, to just hang out with all of us, she said for the first time ever, she felt accepted, she felt loved...then she has the baby..and I have this horrible gut feelin it had to do with she wanted someone that she believed woudl always love her. I love her and the baby to death but it makes me so sad...what if I had kept in touch? What if I had dragged her out more often? She's not very social, no, but she never said no to hangin with me and "my boys".So let's fast foward again to the present...I left her house near tears. I had only spent 4 hours of my day there with her and the baby, by the end of that 4 hour stint I was beat, tired, and cranky. Just knowing that we couldn't just pick up and go out, knowing that we couldn't crank the radio and just have a sweet ol time...Just having to watch the baby 24-7..I know that makes me come off cold..But I'm not..I just know for myself that I'm really not ready to be a mother and this just justifies it. But then the thing that really saddened me, and made me view my life in a whole different light, made me forget my unhappiness, was seeing the dispair, the sadness in "A"'s eyes...All the concerns she voiced..."What if this is it?" "What if no one else ever loves me cuz they can't except the baby?" "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" all these things..weighty topics that she's going through...I mean I'm not pacifiying the fact that she should have been more careful, but what's done is done and you can not take it back..and I have overflowing respect that 1. she kept the baby and 2. that she has been one of the best mothers i've seen..she teaches her, she guides her, she does the most amazing things for her, even tho she can't do anything for herself..she's so depressed..but has this one light ..her lil angel. I've seen many mothers, (other friends of mine in fact) who are now not with the fathers of their baby and now just kinda pawn the child off on anyone willing to babysit..and i feel that's in a way abandonment no? But "A" takes it to the next extreme...she won't leave the baby with anyone..she says she doesn't "trust" them...eeeek that's not good either huh? But it's not like an unhealthy thing, she really has lil to nothing goin on in her life besides her child...Anyway, this made me open my eyes to a life outside my realm..Mine is by far not as sad or bad as some...In fact some would go as far to say it's better..I have no attachments, I can up and go at any time, I have my close circle of friends, and my attachment friends (lol), still can't help but get down every once in awhile but I think that's to be expected no? The fact remains..I live my life for no one else..and that's all that I can handle at this point..I'm going through too many emotions all the time, I'm going through so many outlets and still finding my true place here on this lovely green planet, So i thank my parents and my closer friends for keeping me here, keeping my mindset where it ought to be..keeping me grounded as a person..never lettin me get too high never lettin me get too low...=) Guess I'll remain happy now, sad I had to find it this way through the pain of another..but knowing it, I can be a better friend to her now, I'm gonna try my hardest to make every attempt to keep in touch better, (and those of you who know me off of here..know how bad I am at that..hehe I sorry!) but yeah this is for now my plan.

Past Full

I've had it..quite honestly just had it. I'm sick of it, really. This pettiness, this self centered shit. All this crap that's banged upon my head, it gets really tiring, it gets really annoying and it suffocates me. I'm drowning in it. Yet it's all around me, I can't even wade through it all. People are so ......I can't even place a word here to measure the magnitude of what I'm feeling. People...they are the most fucked up creatures in this world. They hurt others and then expect to be comforted. They have no time to lend to others, conversations consistently end upon "how are you". I've said it before and I'll continue on saying it cuz now i'm really pissed off.. What about me? What about what I'm goin through? what about my pain, sadness, anger, hostility, etc etc...Goin on into infinity and beyond. I'm like this person..a person who is not "allowed" to have a bad time, I'm supposed to fix them all, I'm supposed to have all the answers, I'm supposed to be the buffer between all that is good and bad for all..well you know what? FUCK YOU Fuck all of it, Yeah I'm angry..yeah i'm pissed...If you didn't really care, ya shouldn't have fronted on me, this idea that you did, didn't just pop into my head magically, i'm a hard ass, i confront everything, yet can't confront you face to face...have to do it in the safety of livejournal...Errrrr I'm so pissed at everything at the moment, and if i felt secure, and if i felt that i made a "dent" it's all been washed away..Swiped away violently if nothing at all...So now what? Where to go from here...go on? continue? fix it? i think not..it's been done..it's been over..this was a long time in coming..."I'm flying so over it"-Tanya Donnelly.

Withheld to Protect the Innocent....

I'm sure no one is gonna understand this but me..but that's ok. I feel summed upmy whole life is a jokeall promises I made to myselfhave been brokeI'm so full of painso full of worryI feel full of failureand for this I am sorryI had a light that shined so brightthat has been dimmed and replaced with frightfear of what's to comefear of what I've doneNeverending, stationary herethis is the cross I shall barenot breaking downbut silently eroding stillNothing can stop itnot till it's fullCan't see what's behindCan't see up aheadNothing to the right,and to the left, deep dreadYes this is wrongYes this is saddeningNo I can't stop itAnd this is quite maddeningIt's happened beforeit's coming againwho will be therewho's got an extra hand to lendI'm not ready to gobut ready to endIt's a thin line that I walkAll I needed was a friendTo stop the blowsTo stop the hurtI've sunken my hopesfar into the dirtWill you be thereWill you not goI sit, I think, I sinkthe answers not knownI need something Yet can't think what it isDo you have that somethingto remedy this?Please someone let it be heardplease help fix meMy sight is jaded and I can't see clearlyBut you have the flashlight that cuts through this smogIt's you that I'll count onto end my fog.So this be my messageI hope you hear it in timeThat way you can help mebefore i go out of my mind....

That Damned Fog Again....

There's this blanket of fog that seems to just kinda envelope me at all times...it's so heavy it makes me forget what makes me happy, forget what makes me smile, forget what i find good and fun...and it sucks..and it seems to be ever more predominant as of late. With really no actual reasoning behind it, I mean things are goin pretty damned good. My friends rock (well for the most part), work's goin good (got a raise to boot), famfam is cool, online shiz is ok...So i don't really understand it. Some of it i know it just unresolved things, but some of it ...some of it is just things that were left to build up and up and they are now kickin my ass. It's weird..it all happens in cycles. There's time when all i wanna do is be at home and chillin out, then there's times when i just wanna be out surrounded by the ppl i feel the most comfy with (my friends)..then there's those times when i actually just wanna be at work..Sick i know..but it's like i'm 1 hour away from everything...in a sense it's an escape almost. But then on other days it's like a prison..So let's see I'm gettin ever so excited bout the show, should be damned fun, what's better me, my boys, and incubus...maybe if tori and guster were on the bill..heheh holy shit i wouldnt' be able to walk....Finally caught up on my bills...............just in time for the next slew..damn. Ain't that a son of a biatch, not to mention all the old ones were late, I make enough money....i just don't know how to manage it i guess, i'm not broke..i just don't go to the bank hehe. ahh well i'll figure something out i always do.:(I don't know..just wanted to vent me guesses. Sorry for those who had to read it LoL

That Damned Fog Again....

There's this blanket of fog that seems to just kinda envelope me at all times...it's so heavy it makes me forget what makes me happy, forget what makes me smile, forget what i find good and fun...and it sucks..and it seems to be ever more predominant as of late. With really no actual reasoning behind it, I mean things are goin pretty damned good. My friends rock (well for the most part), work's goin good (got a raise to boot), famfam is cool, online shiz is ok...So i don't really understand it. Some of it i know it just unresolved things, but some of it ...some of it is just things that were left to build up and up and they are now kickin my ass. It's weird..it all happens in cycles. There's time when all i wanna do is be at home and chillin out, then there's times when i just wanna be out surrounded by the ppl i feel the most comfy with (my friends)..then there's those times when i actually just wanna be at work..Sick i know..but it's like i'm 1 hour away from everything...in a sense it's an escape almost. But then on other days it's like a prison..So let's see I'm gettin ever so excited bout the show, should be damned fun, what's better me, my boys, and incubus...maybe if tori and guster were on the bill..heheh holy shit i wouldnt' be able to walk....Finally caught up on my bills...............just in time for the next slew..damn. Ain't that a son of a biatch, not to mention all the old ones were late, I make enough money....i just don't know how to manage it i guess, i'm not broke..i just don't go to the bank hehe. ahh well i'll figure something out i always do.:(I don't know..just wanted to vent me guesses. Sorry for those who had to read it LoL

Blah Blah...

#1I feel your hands upon meas i begin to fallare you holding me upor pushing me downsometimes it's hard to callone from the otherwhich will it beit changes with the windsas does your faith in meI give you my everythingnothing seems to dowhen i ask for a favoryou ask what's in it for youhealthy, i think it's clearly notyet you reamin to be the one i want. #2You let me down againIt's blatantly clearyou either don't realizeor you just don't careplay on my hopesplay on my dreamswatch as they fall awaywatch as i tear at the seamsyou do these thingsthen ask why it is i get madif it was on occasion instead of everydayit wouldn't be so badyou have become what you always claimed you hatedthose careless self absorbedassholes, you need to be eliminatedbut that's rather harsh of mei know what lies hidden insidebut when you asked "are you alright"and i said "yes"...Just know i lied. #3I harbor this great hatred for those who do no wrongi despise the lies, their eyes, and wish that I belongedamong that class, of those who have it allthe more i achieve, the more i fallwhen i descend, they never seem to carewhen i excel, they are always therethey lift me up only to watch me dropusing my hopes and dreams as nothing more than a propsomething to hold above me, swing above my headi see them coming towards me, feel the escalating dreadyet i'd give anything to be with them, play the parti'd give anything to just say no and follow my heart...yet i am bound to envelope their group for i am strongi will become for i need out of wrongwant for all to see me shinewatch me rise above it all watch happiness become minehowever this just wasnt' meant to bejust not planned out for mei will remain forever here simply unchangedwhile all around me things shift and rearrange...

...

Haven't updated in awhile..so the time has come...A little hungover, but good. Long Island Iced Teas...NO MORE! gahhhhh I had only 2 and 1 midori, and 2 Mikes..ok quite alot, but I didn't think the teas had so much kick LoL But it was fun regardless, went to karaoke, and no i didn't sing, however, I was a backup dancer for a few random ppl that i didn't know hehe Very nice ppl , Steph, Heather and these 2 weird guys haha. So let's see, Oh and why was I the Big Bald Headed Old Guy Magnet last night? Eeeeeek 2 of em! I was tempted to run..far far away, but my legs were kinda wobbly, go figure. I had a good time, that is till I got home...the drive home was...um...a bit of a challenge we'll say, then i got into my jammies hopped into bed, and of course the world wouldn't stop spinning, thank god sheri went home with chel, lol. So 15 minutes after laying myself down to sleep, I was stumbling to the bathroom, (gross i know..but there's a punchline this time) So as i'm doin the lovely duty, in comes my mom hahaMom: Drink too Much?Me: No.....Mom: What did you eat?Me: ChineseMom: Must be "chinese poisoning"Me: ye....oh god i'm gonna be sick...Mom: Promptly shuts door and goes back downstairs to bedroomWhat's up with that??? She didn't even rub my back..bad mommy bad. So needless to say I'm feelin ick today, and i have so much shit to do today, dye jerry's hair, mine, go to the bank, the mall, shannons, brook's to pic up my new pics......GOD Will it not cease? lol OH well..so much for a day off....Sorry for the lameness of this entry..just in a typing mood.Mike: You're cd is finally coming along, but you gotta explain the whole burning process...Cuz I'm lost lol but I've been ripping songs all damned morning :)

Yes. I Follow. LoL

Ok decided everyone from the board is doin this bad boy up..mine as well do it too...[01]What's your first name? Kristine, but I prefer Kris[02]Middle name? Marie[03]Last name? Only a very select few know this...and if you don't, then you're not one of the selected..Sorry :)[04]Nicknames? Sirk, MissKris, Smurf, Lazy, Hecuba[05]Age: 21[07]Birthday? June13[08]Your sign? Gemini[10]Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Who has time for that shiz? LoL No. [11]If so what's her/his name? Can I just call him Albert?[12]Have you ever been in love? Nope dont' think so, deep deep infactuation borderline obessession, SURE but not love [13]Who are/were your crushes? I have a few that would never be anything more, and one real major one...but we won't go into that one, we'll just refer to him as P[14]Do you have any piercings, or want any? yep[15]If so what do you have/want pierced? Have my ears cuz i'm that crazy, want, nothing really I have enuff holes in my head...maybe under my tongue[18]Where do you shop at the most? I don't really shop for clothes, so I'd have to say Newbury Comics (i'm addicted to cds) [19]What color is your hair? currently dark dark brown with honey hilites, soon to be candy apple red hilites[20]What color are your eyes? dark brown see? http://www.geocities.com/x_sirk79_x/smeye.JPG[21]How tall are you? 5'9'' I won't admit to 5'10''[22]Do you smoke? sadly yes[23]Do your friends smoke? most of them[24]Who are your best friends? Shannon, Marc, Patrick, Sug***********WILL THIS NEVER END GOD!!!!!!!!***************[25]Who are your friends? My Name is Kris, I'm a friend to all! hehe Too many ppl to list[26]Who are your best friends online? (HA! I wasn't even mentioned in anyone's list...well SCREW YOU ALL!!! j/k) Mike(funny we never used to talk huh?), Sean, Milo, TomTom, Jarred, Clif, Danielle, and Travis[27]Do you like Bath & Body Works? YepYep, I love pearberry and cucumber melon, used to live off of Pineapple Mango but it was discontinued...that killed me :*([28] Question #28 is being withheld for further examination and probing....[29]Is your hair short or long? It used to be very long, but i chop chopped it, so now it's a lil past my shoulders.[31]What turns you on? Honesty, a grounded self concept, a sense of humor, eyes...that sort of thing[32]What turns you off? Lies, those who can't think outside of their "realm", closemindedness, and racism[33]What do you do for fun? Hang out with friends, drink drank drunk, shop, go online...[34]How many phones are in your house? 4[35]How many TV's do you have in your house? 3 (we're not a big television viewing famfam)[36] What are your fav. Food? chinese or italian [37]Do you look like anyone famous? I don't think so, someone once said geena davis and i said what the fuck..heheh cuz we look NOTHING alike..oh well.[38]Who is the most attractive person u know? P, cuz he doesn't realize his full potential nor his effect on others, namingly me.....I don't think attractive has much to do with look to me, if they don't have it on the inside what's the point?[39]Do you wish to be like your parents? I sometimes hope to be as safe and as well planned as they are...but to be just like them...nah, i'm my own person, and we're very different in our ways.++++++++++++++++++How many more????+++++++++++++++++++++++++[40] What cologne should a hot girl/guy wear? This has got to be the lamest question LoL "Hot girl/guy" haha, but i love Cool Water on a guy, very very nice.[45]What are your favorite shoes? Don't have many, but probally my sneaks, Skecher's sky blue and white with this funky thing over the laces...hard to explain..[46]What kind of clothes do you sleep in if any? usually warmup pants and a tshirt, or sweatshirt..Yes i know so damn sexy huh?[47]What things do you say a lot? Ummm, ahhh, shit, wicked (according to milo =0p), Damn the Man, You Know I love you[48]Are you the serious, loud, happy,or shy type? I believe a well rounded person is all of these and knows when to be so in certain situations...heheh That's me![49]Who is the coolest person in the world? My Residents, they rock [51]What would you prefer Thong or Bikini? Neither..Cover that shit up! [53]Where do u wanna get married? I wanna get married in a glass church, in winter while it's snowing outside...(i don't know where...cuz i have to find a glass church LoL oh and start attending church..GOD This is more difficult than i thought...) Perhaps one of those Vegas drive thru weddings? who knows..I probally won't get married..too much committment.[54]Who is the hottest girl/guy in your school? I laugh in the face of danger hahahah Oh wait what did you ask?[57]What's your worst memory in the past 5 years? There are a lot of things that could be deemed "Worst Memory" worthy, however everything we go through serves a purpose...and we learn from everything that we face...so I wouldn't consider them all BAD..cuz from everything i've been through I'm stronger for it.[61]Do you have any brothers and sisters? Phil (26) he rocks =) I miss the lil rat bastard [65]What are you addicted to? the net, cd shopping, online shopping, Nyquil LoL that's bout as far as i go with addictions..Oh and ciggies..ew ew ew bad bad bad[66]Do you like jewelry? Sure as long as it's not gold, pearls, or diamonds..I'm all about the beads and hemp and funky stylings of plastic. [68]Who has it easier, boys or girls? I think that society standards wise guys have it easier..however we all pave our own paths, and we all interpret things in our own way, so we are all given the same bag of life opportunites etc...we just have to be more careful how we use em..[69]Would you rather be short or tall? I like being tall, serves well when reaching for items placed on higher shelves, however I wouldn't mind being a lil bit shorter..perhaps 5'7''? I don't know..I hate being taller than most guys heheh **********damn it's over finally...sheesh...question upon question......

The Simpilest Bliss

It's amazing how the simplest things bring a smile to my lips. It's amazing to see that the simplest action can produce a smile on someone's face. Something I equate as nothing, means so much to another. Something said in passing by another which means nothing at the time to them, can make me smile from ear to ear. Me seeing the smallest phrase, or the slightest gleam in someone's eye brings on feelings of sheer happiness...How me just giving a lil hug to one of my residents turns their fear, their sadness into cheer and happiness. How i can turn my friends from crying to laughing in a meer second...The way they can make me forget why i was upset, or how i was angry. The way my online friends can understand where I'm coming from even if i lose my path, or how they are there for me regardless that they don't actually "know" me. How seeing that my family can overcome arguments and be stronger for it....I'm just in a happy happy mood today, can't really explain this. I am just gonna revel in the fact that I'm happy, and surrounded by amazing people all the time. Even those who have lost the sight, are amazing, cuz in the recesses of their minds...there's the ability to smile or in turn make another smile.....I dont' know..cheesy aint' it? oh well. Happy Kris yay yay.Peace

Damn.

Ok why can't i write like this????CongratulationsI have a sweet creamy warm little jelly rollI have a mind to just let my whole body goThought I was hungry but now I don't really knowIf you don't want it you simply just say noI ain't an animal, lovable, huggableYou look so human but hey one can never tellI got no secrets and I think that you should knowlife ain't a party, it's not like a video'I am' he said to me 'equally wary.'I don't know what I like only know what I don'tI don't like what I know only love what I don'tI know the fire but none of the afterglowKilling the irony that's ruining rock 'n roll'I am' he said to me 'equally wary'Thinking of you as I lick the crumbs off the floorCongratulations are due as you shut the doorNever began and so nor will it ever endOnly desire, desire not anything moreI am heHe is meI am heHe is me-Juliana HatfieldYou BluesHit the bottom and bounce back upThe lowest low is only a beginningThese are the words many people said to meBut in a crowd you lose humanityScared of the future that comes from the pastWhen I think back I see that this could never lastAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to youWhat is he? He's the inspirationWhat am I? I'm a satelliteI revolve around a bigger bodyAnd when I fall, I just disappearScared of the future, aware of the pastWhen I think back I see that this could never lastAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to youSixteen months and seventeen dayswas enough to alienateAfter all, love is unbecomingI turn it off and while awayScared of the future that's made of the pastWhen I think back I see that this might never passAll I say is all I give back to youAll I think is all I go back to doAll I do is all I can't get to you-Juliana Hatfield

And This one...

This one i don't really know about...gonna enter it anyway..just cuz i wanna save it so i can read later on...openlet it godon't say a wordjust let me goclose it shutbehind mestay out of my wayi'm not goingcuz i never cameon againoff againnever really knowrunning full speed aheadbehind who knowsdon't let me get too farahead of myselffor i know not the waylet me live to seeyet another daydon't let me godon't hold me backdon't shed a teardon't look backi'm gone but i'm noti'm strong, but i'm weakmy mind is on gomy body on "E"my feet can move as faras they can travelmy feet can't get me awaymy wings are brokeni'll never find my wayi'm destined to never find a destinylost without a pathshown the way too many timescan't find my way outnot even from my rhymes.

Awake...again

So I called in again today..Yes I'm a deliquent..I can't help this...anyway again i just can't sleep..I don't know what is wrong with me lately...I have to go to a doc soon, cuz this is driving me insane...24 hours still no sleep...Can't function...but I sat and just streamed last night, that was cool...Not too sure what to make of what I wrote tho..as is usual..It's like i blank out and just write ...so here's one...(there were many I've been up all night arrrgh)Neverending and relentlesseverthing i hope to bepowerful and strongsomething to believestanding tall, feet above the groundnot so far from herenot so hard to achievesomething not seen clearthrow these feelings away extract them before they begin weighing upon my shouldersnever let me winself made prophecystill can't floolw throughself made destinystill trying to be youcan't stop this rushcan't stop this flowbegin the fall, the slipdiving way down belowbelow the scenewhere no one seesshed the tearsyet to bleedno one will knowno one will feelfeel this paincontinue to concealcontinue on this rantnever ceasenever endnever gain inner peacewho are theythe meek the strongwho am iwhere do i belongtake me inunder that broken wingtry to give me hopewhatever else it may bringloss disgust angermy how the time it goeswhen living undercoveryou think no one knowsbut they see see it allsee you riseand begin to fallnothing left time to gotime to ascendtime to grow....