Fear

Ok I'm addicted ADDICTED i say to this song...been listenin to it on and off all freakin day long...why? I do not know..well i do..but i don't wanna discuss it. Ever get that feeling like if you discuss something that is goin on that you will jinx yourself? or that you'll make it happen more so? Strange way to feel but it's the truth seems that the more i obsess over something the more it happens...It's sorta like when you buy a car...you love it to death and you never see anyone with it until after you buy it and every where you turn there it is....Fear Morning smileslike the faceof a newborn child,innocent, unknowing.Winter's endpromisesof a long lost friend.Speaks to me of comfortbut I fearI have nothing to give.I have so muchto lose here in this lonely place.Tangled up in your embracethere's there's nothing I'd like better thanto fall.but I fearI have nothing to give.Wind in timerapes the flowertrembling on the vineand nothing yields to shelterfrom above.They say temptation will destroy our love.The never ending hungerbut I fearI have nothing to giveI have so muchto lose here in this lonely placetangled up in our embracethere's nothing I'd like better thanto fallbut I fearI have nothing to give.I have so much to lose.I have nothing to give.We have so much to lose... Why does that song go right through me??? argh..and it's on again...damnit. Guess it makes perfect sense tho doesn't it? Goin to the wedding seein it in motion...but not really being there..my mind off running. Not to mention as i sat there i looked around at the structures and all the beauty in the church, and just felt upset that with all that beauty and all that is promised and what not...how can they be so closed minded..how can they be so...wrong? i don't get religion..i just don't understand it at all...and then to hear everyone chanting..it is like a cult..turns my stomach..makes me feel very uneasy..all this on jay and rochelle's happiest day of their lives..this is what kris sat thinkin about..on a happier note, terry did in fact show up...and at the end of the night before we all left they gave each other a huge hug...I balled...imagine this..me tra and rinne sittin there ballin..but it just moved me to see them over come what they did..My family is so far from right..it really hurts to think of all the shit that they've put me through..and all the shit they continue to put all us kids through. No one puts themselves aside for even one day, it's hard for me to understand how one can become that jaded. But I'm guessin that it's not that hard to do. Easier to make yourself happy rather than a group. I just wish things would go back to how they were before all that's happened. Given things in my house are way better than back then..the rest of the family was great. But just to see the pain..and the unfairness being dished out all the time..it disheartens me. Makes me not want to have anything to do with any of them..but then that leaves me all alone no? I don't want that ...but i don't want this either.Back in the day when mom was sick, it was hard so hard..and dad was never around....but my aunts and uncles they were there for us..now they aren't. Now i'm the bad one and that's fine i should of used my head before all that shit blew over...but really there's not unity no more and I just wonder if it will ever be again. One never knows.